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Amnesia 9
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Amnesia - Issue 09 (1993-02-01)(Eclipse)(Disk 2 of 2).adf
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ARTICLES
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ArchellptII
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1993-01-31
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corridors where 2 Unlimited is played
,and is now on Hell : level 4, Compl-
aints, records and public relations.
I stood outside the nice wood and gl-
ass door of the hell Complaints de-
partment and took a deep breath. The
door opened and I stepped into a nice
office with lovely orange carpet
tiles.
The room was like any other office,
except for the large sea outside the
room,where a large serpent was swimm-
ing. I tapped on the call bell and a
demonic servant wearing a blue sweat-
ARC In Hell pt.II er and grey skirt with a little name
tag saying "Tracey" pinned to the
front.
The story so far:ARC,elite graphician
and article writer has died in a very "Can I help you?"
tragic spaghetti eating accident. He "Yes, I'd like to report a wrongful
has gone to Hell, where he has braved damnation,please."
the ultimate terrors of hordes of ST "Oooh,that's information storage and
owners, nintendos, infinitely long retrieval. Level 3.Sorry,the lift's
broken.There's only about four hun- Leviathan.
dred flights of stairs. You have to "Come in."
fill in a form. Then bring it back I stepped in the door,straight into a
here to be stamped. Then take it liquid floor, and found myself float-
back to level 3, to get it copied, ing in a large sea, where a large sea
filed and typed, then come back serpent in a suit was reading Play-
here, and beg Leviathan to let you entity.
see Lucifer.If he does,and he never
does, you'll have to go to level 7 "Hello,ARC.Well,what do you want?"
to get another form. Then down to "Er....to be returned to the earthly
level 2, back to level 3, and then plane?"
level 8 to beg Lucifer to let you "Hmmm......Let's have a look at your
talk to Satan. Then,if he lets you, form...Hmmm...sex:male.What sort of
which he won't, go to the waiting answer is that? You're supposed to
torture chamber,and after about,ooh put yes please. Hmm,alright,you can
forty years, Satan will pop `round go."
to have a little chat." "Wow thanks."
"Oh shit." "Please, let me finish. You can go
"Yes.Have a nice eternity." and stick your head up a badger's
arse!
Approximately 1 week later, after go- Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa........"
ing up and down stairs and begging
demonic servants to stamp forms, I I realised that beaurocracy would get
finally arrived outside the office of me nowhere.Unfortunately, I was about
to be dismembered in the torture "Oh dear. It looks like you may be
chamber of Hell. To the left were a here for quite a long time."
few Catholics arguing with a woman in "Er...is there any way I can get
black leather bondage gear. out?"
"Look, we are Catholic, and we "If you weren't given the last
demand to suffer and be tortured.Our rites, probably not.
religion specifically states that "Shit."
sinners shall burn in Hell for all "Yes. Just wait over there, and Hel
eternity. Well, here we are, and we will be with you in a few moments. I
expect to be in pain." think there's a large supply of
"I'm sorry, but under the Torture Hello! magazines there. Have a nice
Act of 1969, not going to church and Eternity."
then being killed in a car crash is
not a torturable offence.In fact, The woman came over to me.
what are you even doing here?" "Hello, I'm Hel,the Teutonic Goddess
"Well, the C5 pulled out right in of Torture, and you are...?"
front of me, and the traffic cone "Arc of Eclipse."
exploded. Next thing I knew I was "Hello Arc. Now, have you ever met"
in an elevator, and I remembered I Ed the Duck?"
hadn't gone to church last week, so "Noooooooo........."
naturally, I decided I was going to
Hell." After being subjected to a mind
"Were you given the last rites?" shattering monologue by Ed the Duck
"Oops." I blacked out, and awoke some time
later. Ed the Duck was sleeping in "Hello. I'm Galileo. I believe I'm
the corner of the room, I sneaked expected."
out into the corridor, up to the "Ce?"
lift. In the lift was a clever Oh shit. The checkpoint didn't speak
looking Italian bloke who was English.
carrying a telescope,a pendulum and "Er... DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?"
a map of "Ce?"
the solar system. "No speako spanisho"
"Hello," I said. "Do you come here "Oh, si. Signor"
often?" "I'mo Galileoo.I'mo goingo homeo."
"No, I'm just getting out after "Ce?"
four hundred years. It was that "Pleaseo speako Englisho"
fucking inquisition. Jesus, they "Si. Si. Son las cinco."
really are major sphincters." "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE!"
"So, why are you getting out?" "Gracias,senior."
"I just got a pardon from the Pope. WHACK!
Only about four hundred years late. Galileo lay unconscious on the floor,
Not bad for the Catholic Church" and I proceeded to nick his silly hat
"Er.... Hey, look, some snow!" and telescope.
Going up. I stormed past him and out of the
Level 30-Exit: At the exit there last level of Hell. I then decided
were lots of nice Croatians with to become a Hindu.
nice big machine guns, and a sort Article by : Arc/Eclipse
of checkpoint. Clipart by : Arc/Eclipse